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Interviews (The bones we've picked with other people) A Behind the scenes look at the internet's most interesting people. Ye Olde Offramp Motel
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Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages. TheFunnyBone.com proudly presents the Ye Olde Offramp Motel Heavyweight Champion of the world! Dave!
Dom: Dave, thanks for allowing us this interview. Dave: No problem. Actually, though, it's not so much me agreeing to do it as the fact that it counts towards my community service hours. Dom: May I call you 'Sparkles'? Dave: Only if I can call you 'Reylando.' Reylando: No problem. Okay, first and foremost. Can you explain your letters for us? Dave: Well, Reynaldo, my letters are pretty much what I do when I'm bored. Some people get drunk, some bite their nails, I write letters. It's just a matter of writing the most insane letter imaginable, yet leaving it just sane enough that the people reading it this that, "Hey, maybe this guy is serious." Dom: I don't like the name Reylando anymore. Now, your letters are world famous (except maybe in Greenland) for their remarkable innocence and flagrant stupidity. How do you get your inspiration? Dave: I think it's mostly the fact that I am far more intelligent than the average human. It could also be because I watch a lot of "TV" and lack anything resembling a social life. Seriously, though, I see all these companies and products and how they're marketed and advertised, and I think to myself "They have got to be kidding." Then I capitalize on that. Or else I'll sit down and think, "What's the most off-the-wall question I can ask these people and get them to respond." Then I'll write the letter. Dom: Any new letters in the works? Dave: There are always letters in the works! Dom: Great! Any idea when can we expect some refreshing new ones? Dave: Normally, I have a new one every Sunday. Lately, however, I've been pretty lazy. But next Sunday definately. And occasionally, I'll surprise everyone with a letter during the middle of the week. Dom: What's the general feedback on the letters you're getting from visitors? Dave: Well, it completely floored me the first time I got fan mail. That was quite a surprise. Of course, I get some hate mail every once in a while, but I suspect that it's mostly from Canadians. I also get a lot of people sending me letters that they wrote. Frankly, a lot of them really suck, but there have been some really good ones -- ones I wish I would have come up with. Unfortunately, due to an unexpected hard drive crash (is there any other kind?) I lost most of them. So if anyone out there sent me a funny letter, send it again so I can put it on the website. Dom: Do you realize you misspelled the word 'Old' in "Ye Olde"? Dave: That's very nice, but we're not here for a spelling lesson -- we're here to talk about me. Dom: Now, after all those requests, how many keychains have you actually received? Dave: Alas; only one--from the great folks at the Chiquita Banana company. However, I have received things like t-shirts, coupons, and even stuffed animals. Dom: Can I have some coupons? Dave: Check your Sunday paper. Dom: So, How 'Bout those Yankees? Dave: Don't care--I'm still pissed at the Mets pitching. Dom: How many years of University did it take you to become an Exterminators Assistant? Dave: Several. It takes several years. Dom:
You must be very dedicated. Could you get rid of this squirrel
Dave: I probably could, but I don't do charity work. And judging by your clothes, you couldn't afford to pay. Dom: Have you ever had no response at all from a company? Dave: More often than not. When I write a letter, it's usually done in one take, which takes around 5 minutes. Then I'll send it out to as many companies as I can. For example, if I write a letter that has to do with fast food, I'll send it to McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, etc. Then I sit back and wait for the responses to roll in. It's very rare to get a response on the first try. But I've found it you send the same letter 15 or 20 times, eventually you'll get *some* sort of response. Dom: How about responses that you couldn't post? Dave: Yeah, it was a great letter, too--I wrote to McDonald's telling them how, through the use of a private investigator, I found that their Filet O' Fish was made from Goldfish. I did get a response, but it wasn't what I was used to: they called me at work! I wish I had a recording of the conversation, but alas, it will live on only in my memory. Dom: Well, we can always try to re-enact the call. I'll be you, and you be McDonald's. Whadaya say? Dave: Well, if it's any indication, the call started off something like, "Hello Mr. Cilluffo, this is so-and-so from McDonald's Corporation. We wanted to discuss your.... um.... your... uhhh.... letter." Dom: Do you have any idea where my pants might be? They were here a second ago... Dave: Why are you looking at me like that? Dom: Um.... no reason. Have you ever composed a letter that was so bad you were too ashamed to put it up? Dave: Yeah -- when I first started out, I wrote some pretty bad ones. They were originally on the website, but have since been removed. Occasionally, I'll write a letter and send it, and after reading it later, decide that it could have been much better. Those I usually throw away and send a "new and improved version" to some other company. Dom: Thanks for not running away screaming. I hope you enjoyed this interview as much as I did. Can.. can I call you sometime? Dave:
Only if you live in a state with no anti-stalking laws
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