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bones we've picked with other people)
the scenes look at the internet's most interesting people.
With your NEW
Comrade. Porfessional Advice (http://www.wackyadvice.com)
features Elvis Shortliver, Jason (Who is now New & Improved!),
and Simian The Brazilian Marmoset. (Who is neither new nor improved.) They
all answer visitor's weekly questions. Today we have Elvis Shortliver,
who's here completely against his will.
Damn! You recognized me!
Well, your "I am Elvis Shortliver" t-shirt sort of gave it away. May I
call you "my little love muffin'?
*Steps back 3 feet* I thought we were here to do an interview? This isn't
some kind of a love trap, is it??
Just because we're in the motel's Honeymoon Suite doesn't automatically
make it a Love Trap. Wackyadvice.com
is now receiving around 5.4 million hits a day. How do you avoid all that
fame going to your head?
Usually I can just block them with my keyboard, or move to the left &
they miss. I haven't slept since October of 1998, but that is mostly because
of my biological clock running out of batteries.
Since your batteries are running out, can I have them for my remote? The
thing hasn't worked since last May.
Sure, if I can figure out how to get them out of my back.
Now, people are talking. You've brought back Bud Uglly. Please! Answer
the question on everyone's minds. Why?
Did I do that? I thought that was just a reoccurring nightmare?
I started The Bud Uglly Foundation
initially for my own viewing. Bud Uglly Design was the very first web page
that I was introduced to, and when I heard that it was to be razed, I felt
that it was a shame. I mean, if The Mona Lisa was about to be destroyed,
I am positive that someone would get all huffy & protest it. I just
decided to steal it before it was gone forever. The Foundation is merely
a museum to showcase the art I have in my possession.
Bud Uglly? Art? Yeah, okay. All those questions. How do you bring yourself
to answer them?
Well, before I got hired to do this, I worked as The Shell Answer Man,
and people would ask me questions about shells. Stuff like 'Is this a shell?'
or 'Is this a shell?'... sure it was hard work, but it was a heck of a
lot easier than the 2 days I worked for 911. Sheesh! Some people just don't
have it together when you tell them to call back later when it isn't so
Yeah, people can be so inconsiderate, getting stabbed and such on your
shift. Now, I've heard that 'shortliver' is another word for 'he-who-sniffs-the-art-supplies.'
Is this true?
FYI - It's pronounced Short-LYE-Vur - NOT like liver 'n' onions! It rhymes
with 'skydiver' ... do you know how many times people ask 'How short is
your liver?' or 'Are you really The King? I thought you were dead?' I didn't
ask for this name, and now all I get is torment & malicious pranks!
Once I tried to change my name to Pauly Shore, but it was already taken.
I'm not bitter, I understand. Hey, it took me 6 months to figure out what
Simian was saying, and it took 3 years to teach her how to read Harlequin
Romance novels. Now where did I put my glass of varnish?!
What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. So, are you waiting for a liver
transplant or something? Hahaha.. No, seriously though, do you like fried
peanut butter and banana sandwiches?
You also do a bit of work here, at TheFunnyBone. What are your duties here?
I have been hired mostly to paint the walls & keep the pages updated
& stuff. I sold them the I Hate
Mimes Club for $3.79 & twelve packages of Twizzlers. And I began
writing my new Funnybone collection of children stories, but Fish didn't
like them & he wouldn't let me put them up! wanna hear one?
|One day, Happy Puddington
was walking down to the strawberry patch to play with his friends Tin-Tin
& Mop. He walked by the bunnies.
"Hello Bouncy Bunny!
And how are you today?"
"Quite well Frere Happy,"
replied the bunny in a chipper tone, bouncing one on his left foot, then
on his right foot, then springing to a halt with glee, "I couldn't be happier!
It is Kite Day in Bigglestown!"
"Yes I know," said Happy,
"Tin-Tin, Mr. Mop, and I are on our way down to the strawberry patch right
now. Say, would you like to join us?"
"No," sighed the bunny,
"I'm afraid I have a funeral to attend."
"Oh I am so sorry to
hear that, Mr. Bunny! and who was it that passed on?"
"My family, I ate them
for dinner last nite, and now I must bury them in the thicket behind my
burrow before Officer Pinkins finds out."
"Oh, you can count on
me" said Happy, "I won't tell a soul."
Then happy ran straight
to the Town donut stand & told Officer Pinkins what he had heard. You
see, people sometimes lie and it isn't bad.
That is the worst story I've ever heard. How drunk were you when you wrote
What do you mean BAD?? That is a future CLASSIC! The whole "kid doesn't
know what to do" thing is very common nowadays, plus who can resist the
joy of kites? I was so sloshed I that blacked out right after I wrote it.
So, how bout those Yankees?
It is hard to believe that after winning the revolutionary war they stopped
fighting for freedom & formed a baseball team. Well, I suppose everyone
needs to lighten up now & then, don't they?
Everyone except Al Gore. Now, the hair! we love it! What's your secret?
Deep in an underground basement of a top-secret government lab, scientists
have been altering the DNA of the elderly, to form a new species of...
Aww, who am I kidding! My hair just exploded one day, right after Jason
accused me of being too 'proper'.
Right, Jason. He and Simian are also part of Wackyadvice too. Now, do they
help you or just sit around and fling dung?
Well, the dung-flinging contest was last year & it is now over. But
yeah, all of us take turns answering visitor's weekly questions, using
ground-breaking scientific processes (our Magic 8 Ball with a bent coat
hanger duct taped on the top for better reception) to double check our
answers, sitting in front of our computers for endless hours, for what?
Sorry, I forgot. I thought you were my psychiatrist. Next question?
1952 Oswald Honkers. What is it, and how can I avoid it?
They are my all time favorite band! Not only am I head of their fan club,
but I am also the one responsible for getting them on the internet &
hopefully the exposure that they have deserved for so long now. They never
seemed to be able to make logical decisions in the past. Recently they
have signed a contract with Snackwurst Food Products to write advertising
jingles for their entire product line. In exchange, Snackwurst is making
a new cereal to commemorate this event. Look for "1952 Oswald Honker-O's"
in the first quarter of 2000!
Honker-Os. Got it. BunBUn. Is she a hottie or what?
She's the cutest chick in the world, but I'll tell you, she can't cook!
Not even orange juice! One day, she tried to make pudding. You know how
to make pudding right? You take the pudding & you add 2 cups of milk
& you mix it & put it in the refrigerator. Well, she decided to
skimp on the milk & add a little water to compensate for it! It looked
like someone poured motor oil on top of the pudding. She's cute, but she
made me gag that day! Now I do the cooking!
Cooking? I heard you do a mean LIVER & onions. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
So what does the future hold for Elvis Shortliver and Wackyadvice?
We plan to import some of that moon cheese, market a line of sugarless
gum, race jet skis down Mt. Everest, and hopefully have time to answer
a few questions here & there.
Who would win in a fight? A small badger or One of the Spice Girls?
Aren't they the same thing? Singing badgers? If you said, who would win,
the Spice Girls or Tokyo, I'd hafta say Tokyo. I mean, they have defeated
every monster that has ever existed, right?
I thought Tokyo lost that bout for "Undisputed Metropolis Of The World"
with L.A. Or was that Mexico City?
You wouldn't by chance be from Canada, would you??
Mr. Shortliver, I thank you for your time here tonight.
That's it?? I didn't get the job, did I? There isn't going to be a second
interview, is there?