It was on my list of "things to do." It was time to start taking politics seriously. "Decide on a candidate" was the listing. Easy to write. Hard to do.

"It’s just not that easy." I told myself, as I read newspapers and studied party platforms and other propaganda. I found it considerably easier to find reasons not to vote for a candidate than it was to find reasons to vote for a candidate. It seems that, more than ever, a presidential candidate will campaign on the premise that voters will be turned off by all the dirt that has been dredged up on his opponent and hopes that we, the voters, will cast our ballot for the lesser of the two evils. In many cases, they are right. Some candidates can dig up more dirt on their opponents than their opponents can dig up on them. This is why James Carville still has a job and I have a headache already.

I needed help. But where does a true Southerner turn for such advice? Where does anyone turn for such worldly enlightenment? When it seemed that my prayers for guidance would not be answered, when it seemed that it would take nothing short of a pilgrimage to Tibet to seek audience with the Dahli Lama in order to ask him the meaning of life, the blessing of divine intervention, and the score of Sunday’s Carolina game, I turned to the single most important and reliable source of illumination in the South.

That’s right. I summoned up the Dahli Lama of Appalachia, the Guru of Good, the Soothsayer of the South. I turned to the Buddha of the Blue Ridge; I turned to Andy Griffith.

As I settled in and let my mind go blank (something that’s coming more easily these days) there it was; Like a beacon from the gods, It was surely a divine inspiration.

"Andy, you have to nip this thing in the bud!"

And there it was. The answer to all of our political problems. Good-bye politicians that have been in office so long that they have forgotten why they are in Office. Good-bye to our representatives who have forgotten who they are in Washington to represent. There will be no more favors owed and no more quid pro quo. Good-bye influence peddling. Good-bye lobbyists and good-bye special interest groups. Politicians that pass every bill what crosses their desk in an election year and then bogs down the government for the next three years with partisan legislation after becoming re-elected will be a thing of the past.

Nip it. No Incumbent Politicians. If genius is in the simplicity of the idea, then Barney Fife is the Marilyn Vos Savant of political reform. The idea is simple:

Our representatives will serve one term only. There will be no retirement. Candidates for office will be nominated and elected based on their ability to make an intelligent decision. (A novel concept, I know.) There will be no such thing as a career politician, so, there will be no single company, industry, or group of people that will benefit from a long-term association. All candidates and elected officials will have a career apart from politics that is their livelihood, therefore, they will not be sent to Washington with the goal of becoming rich on lobbyist graft and eventually retire on a fat Congressional pension program. Nip it.

Election year rhetoric and platform shifts? Gone. Jesse Helms a slumlord? He’s out of here anyway. Clinton’s shady business dealings, shifting moralities and allegiance? He had his shot. Bob Dole? Happy retirement.

Teachers would quickly replace Lawyers in Washington and suddenly the people would begin to understand the fine print. Legalese will be replaced with plain English. Children will again become our most important resource and our priorities will shift accordingly. The environment will be rescued for the kids, we would begin to address the national debt, and crime will curb dramatically when criminals have to go to time out with no TV. Everybody hates that.

Hey, don’t laugh, it could happen. But don’t thank me. Thank the Maharishi of Mayberry -- Barney Fife -- whose immortal words are now forever carved into the tablets of political reform:

"All the experts are in favor of Bud-nippin.’ Ya have to nip it, Andy. Nip it in the bud."

Rob Wedding © 1996